How baldness can be cured by Being A Good Person
And how the world's most undefeated fighter destroyed the odds and LOWERED his hairline
As posted on Twitter with the meta-commentary at the end, after the next bolded line. If you already read the post there you might wanna skip to the bottom.
Khabib currently has the lowest hairline in the world, but that wasn't always the case. His hair genetics are actually below average.
It's taken decades of flawless moral conduct, but gradually he did something most thought impossible - shrink his forehead.
There are countless bizarre theories on hairloss and its causes - stuff about DHT, stress, skull shape, blood flow etc. It's all complete nonsense. Anyone over 14 can clearly observe that good men have good hairlines while bad men are receding.
Modern "science" assumes balding just happens with age, but what's actually occurring is men accumulate trauma over time and it jades them - twists them away from their divine origins, towards that of a hairless reptile.
Hair signifies Divinity - a creation so wonderful could only be thought up by God, a being of absolute good. Lack of hair therefore signifies a lack of Divine essence. By virtue of refusing to acknowledge what's good and beautiful in the world, all hairless beings implicitly align themselves with satan. It's no coincidence the devil came to Eve as a snake.
The Lord is fair. He gives each man a chance to prove his alignment to Truth and Love, but as time passes, more and more people squander his gift. Baldness is reaching epidemic levels - shiny pinballs bobbing around NYC signifying the slow crawl of satan's advance.
Even maintaining a hairline is rare in 2023. A lot of people thought that was the best you could hope for, but Khabib proves you can actually overcome genetics and shrink a forehead through overwhelming force of virtue. Decades of flawless behavior gradually dragged his hairline down, millimeter by millimeter - covering progressively more of his skull with hair from God.
"But Lukas, how can we know his hair grew back as a result of virtue and not some other cause?? He's just one man, that's not enough data!"
True. Khabib is just one man. Fortunately, we have an entire industry of moral paragons who've all proved the truth about foreheads.
Some may assume I'm talking about monks here, but their minimalistic tendencies spit in the face of God by refusing to partake in the beautiful world he's made for them. The Lord curses them with baldness, poverty and an absolutely abysmal monastery ratio.
The last remaining group of truly noble men on this planet are sumo wrestlers. Note their hairlines. Just as Khabib overcame his genetics and shrunk his forehead, so do all sumo wrestlers.
"Lukas, why does God reward such gluttony?? Why have I been cursed with baldness while these butterballs are allowed to waddle around so hairfully?"
Nothing about a sumo's lifestyle is gluttonous. They spend five hours exercising every morning to burn off their glycogen stores and visceral fat before gorging on the finest of God's culinary gifts. Their entire life revolves around an extremely regimented set of labor that lets them eat as much food as possible while remaining healthy. God wants you to love yourself, but he also wants you to love the food he's created for you. Most people pick one or the other - dedicating themselves either totally to fitness or totally to overconsumption.
Sumos are the only class of people remaining who've devoted their entire lives towards both health and appreciation of God's world. In acknowledgement of their devotion, God takes each of their hairlines and pulls them down, follicle by follicle.
Sumo is only one path towards praising God though, and there are many. Khabib discovered his own path. An ancient path so powerful traversing it rewarded him with the smallest forehead in the known world.
In celebration of Khabib's absolute devotion to virtue, God dropped his hairline lower than any in recorded history. He dropped his hairline so low it completely covers his third eye.
This sounds trivial, but the results are interesting. As a Divine gift from God, hair acts as an antenna capable of channeling psychic output.
The average person has no access to their third eye whatsoever. A select few are capable of controlling it, but from a single point of output only. Khabib is the only man in existence who can channel it's direction through the tip of each hair on his forehead, as no other men even have hair that low on their foreheads.
This lets him achieve a similar beamforming effect as to what modern 5G communications use. By altering the firing order of his antenna-hairs, he can form a completely organic phased array that lets him direct psychic energy with degrees of precision thought lost to history.
Normally things like this would be impossible to measure, but Khabib did exactly as you'd expect from the most virtuous man in the world. He took God's gift into battle with the forces of evil - bald and hateful freaks spreading the gospel of satan.
His hairline-empowered third eye lasered straight through his opponents defenses. After defeating 29 of the baldest and most hateful men in the world, he was crowned the undisputed King of MMA.
His Reign of Justice came to an end when his mother got worried and asked him to stop fighting. Khabib was forced to choose between his love of hair and his love of his mother, and in the end his mom prevailed. God respected Khabib's devotion to his mother and let him keep his hairline anyway.
While Khabib may not fight physically anymore, he's partnered with OPNX to wage psychic war against all those who oppose financial sovereignty. In the coming months, a certain supervillian may be forced to reckon with the unwavering hair-laser of the world's most virtuous man...
Thus ends my post as written on twitter and begins the Author’s Comment Section (which of course extends to my Telegram group)
This was probably the most proud I’ve ever been of something I knew nobody else would give a single shit about. Hairline being inversely correlated to moral character, allowing men to shrink their forehead by doing good deeds and propagate follicles all the way down to their third eye, which uses they as emitter nodes for a psychic phased array to allow noble beamforming effects” was one of the greatest unrelated associations I think I’ve ever drawn.
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